Alternatively were just going to have to start getting out of bed earlier so we dont run into them, but I suspect that if she realised we were doing that she might actually change her own schedule. I honestly dont even know why people say it at all when Ive never seen a follow-up to it. There is literally a meme that says When you ask me what Im doing today and I say Nothing, it does not mean Im free. The week after is all good. Great! Thats kind of taking it 4 out of context to say they dont understand. A professor I studied under said she, without thinking about it, had an automatic habit of spotting people likely to do that oh Im so nice to your differentness type of racism and trying to run interference to keep them from saying that crap around her grad students. I am a pessimist, so I assume I am pissing someone off if theres the slightest ambiguity in communication. Later that evening I find out through facebook that HE went out ice skating, with several of our friends, and he had never even mentioned to me that he was going, let alone asked if I wanted to come too! You just need to say, like, Oh, not sure yet, how about you?. Me: Nope. Then Ill say Whats up? or Whats going on then? or What did you have in mind?. I usually respond Why do you need to know? unless its someone I really trust. Ah. (Seriously? Its okay that sometimes my anxiety is bad. It means people will help you less, go out of their way for you less, give you poorer recommendations for your next job, and on and on. Shell show up at your house again, or track you down partway to school. Another good script Ive heard for when the person is clearly trying to invite you to something is What did you have in mind?, If theyre small-talking, you can say something like Hopefully relaxing and destressing. Hence the claim some of your time, or even the if youre available as a way to say, you have to have solid plans if youre going to tell me no; you cant just say you dont want to do it.. I read that post all the time. Its okay that I usually spend my weekends watching movies/playing videogames/reading and those arent shameful hobbies. Me:why? Thank you!!! Also, again in the UK, if the person is literally asking, the emphasis will be strongly on are. LW is a better person than I; I would be tempted to say, I desperately need to re-grout the bathroom and weed the garden. If she wants to NOT have some other grownup setting a price on her activities occasionally, she can get a job and move out, and then I wont be saying, a couple of times a month, if youre home tonight, I need you for X.. With friends and family you can be more honest if you like, but you dont have to. I recognize that the question can DEFINITELY be used to intentionally or unconsciously other people, Her problem with it seemed more about having to answer it ALL the time than any implied racism or xenophobia. For acquaintances, the way you do in Sweden will also work in the US. At least, it never has for me! These people arent trying to gotcha! That would create some damage. Every weekend! I know its a big favor, but obviously I would pay you, and I have cable, high-speed internet, and a chocolate fountain with dark, milk, and bittersweet streams. This is OT, but if someone would like to explain how its supposed to work in the US, Id appreciate it. To be honest, not good. Justit can be a lot sometimes. No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. Silly Friend: do you want to do (thing)? I have close friends that Ive been upfront with and say Im totally a hermit, but I do like to be invited to events and will make them sporadically. Its real. If they want to tell you about their kids, they can. Another is that people your daughters age and under have grown up under a level of surveillance never before seen in the entire history of the human species. Good luck! And it is really freaking wearing on them that people in the UK will correct them if they say theyre British. What are you doing? The LW is getting socially trapped, and needs a selection of answers that are vague while also claiming her right to her time. (via Shutterstock) 7. Ive had good luck with, Fantastic! because no matter what is happening to me, I am still fantastic in various ways. If Im 100% sure that I dont want to do the thing based on the asker I treat this as open license to complain about how busy I am. Yeah, I definitely use this question as way to be polite. While we're sure there are plenty more things people do for fun, these are some good hobbies to mention: Outdoors activities like rock climbing, hiking, cycling, etc. Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. Its not a question I like either, some of which is due to manipulative/pushy people angling for my time/energy like in the letter, and some of it is due to feeling like I have to feign excitement or a more interesting life in order to keep the conversation going, which is draining (IDK if this is an introvert vs extrovert thing or like how some people seem to have no trouble filling the conversation or making their lives sound interesting; I am not one of those people). I also use ooh, Im not sure whether Im driving my stepson to his Dads that weekend, Ill have to check for longer-term put-offs. It follows the script they want, which is that the person they are targeting needs their approval of their reason for pleading off. morning (and then bending my ear the whole way up the road, when if we were alone Id be chatting to my kids, and we quite like that) to the point where the doorbell would go and my kids would be saying oh god no, not them again! and Im shushing them, but feel exactly the same way. For grocery store cashiers, I keep the answer short: Wet, on a rainy day, or Need more coffee this one particularly for coffee shop baristas, who probably hear it too often. Sometimes I feel like this is just another Hi, how are you? kind of question that can be sort of skipped over. Oh, yes, white supremacy/racism in action. B: Cool. @TootsNYC Just wanted to say that I really like the phrasing you spell out in your first comment, in that youre acknowledging that youre making a request for your daughters time and effort. I get what are you doing this weekend? or just what are you doing? on a Saturday morning. Funny Responses To How Are You Save Image: Shutterstock Somewhere between better and best. What are you doing this weekend? I get that. But it is a cost. I would think that if one is up to the point of having to plan food, one would have also issued a direct invitation? There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. Teaching my fish how to swim. It helps that at this point in my life Ive stopped associating with people who dont understand that sometimes you can only have so much fun and then you need some time to like, open all your mail and pet the cat. So with someone new, Did you do anything good last weekend? Its just one of the normal options. I understand theyre looking for an ice breaker, but its not that interesting to talk about Ill probably get to laundry if Im not too lazy. I wish there was another common conversation starter among people you already know. Try delaying your answer and then see if taking the pressure off yourself to answer the question or commit to stuff helps you feel less annoyed by this question. I can see how doing anything on thee weekend is small talk, but that would only count if the person is someone you are not on visiting terms with, like most of my colleagues. Sometimes I might even say, its okay if you dont want to, its not urgent, but I was wondering if you could possibly help babysit Saturday? I have a group of friends now whom I trust not to give me a hard time about the explicit choice to paint my toenails in front of Netflix instead of going out. When I asked him later, What the heck? Since "doing" is an action verb, we need to use the adverb "well" to describe that action. Always always have a plan I forgot about until next day. The second interpretation of this question is, what are you doing in life? No.. So, sometimes it is a trap! OMG yes! "Thank you, I appreciate that.". Theres also nothing wrong with the sitting alone in the dark rocking back and forth, it just seemed a good description of the void my mother thinks no plans equals. Wake up late Sunday morning and go ride or play in the mud. But I think often we like to pretend that there are no such tradeoffs, and thats not helpful in the real world. And I had to say to her, over the airport thing: Act like a grownup. Must say I kinda love your kids response. This is probably part of why I am frustrated by this conversation, because by most conventional social norms, you are actually doing nothing wrong. This is a different way of reacting to a social interaction. You're not obligated to tell others your plans for the future, if you even have them. We need to have lunch soon. Okay, then invite me, and dont hint for an invitation. Weekend is like God's blessing! I can find someone else, so dont worry if youd rather not-Mittens likes you, so I thought of you first, but I know at least two people who have been angling for some alone time with the fountain., Translation: Here are all the ridiculous things I am asking for, and the dubious rewards I can offer in exchange. Her dad would not agree with a move to force her to move out. Its a conversation starter, and its my choice whether I continue the conversation by answering or by reflecting it back at them. One of my long-time boundaries is I wont date a guy who cant properly carry out an invitation and follow it through. And I mean, its legit to decide that youre willing to pay the cost, that youre okay with people deciding that you are unsociable or unfriendly or rude. WHAT WILL YOU DO AT THE WEEKEND?? Basically, I dont think people are trying to be manipulative and I do think youre overthinking this, OP. Part of it for me, too, is that a lot of my free time is devoted to managing my anxiety and physical issues (that I dont talk about at work) and I feel pressured to always have a good weekend. Nothing much. (To the point where one of my coworkers will sometimes ask What are you doing this weekend? It might help to keep in mind that for most people, the question is pretty innocuous. . I have one dear friend in particular that has the busiest social life I know. When I tell you Ill be meal planning this weekend thats not an invitation for you to tell me all of your diet ideas and which meals are healthier. Published on August 6, 2022. It gives them nothing, and forces them to divulge their plans. (Wriggle your hips) I am as happy as a tick on a big, fat doggy. That said, I tend to think the person asked, they can damn well deal with the answer. You?, Or ask when do you need an answer by as invitors do need to know for catering, planning and booking purposes. If a stranger or acquaintance says, How are you? its mostly just meant as a greeting, and you greet them back by saying, Im good, thanks or Doing alright or Oh fine, and you? Just some standard vague but positive-sounding reply. I wonder if some variety of Im really flattered that you asked and I want to hang bout, but I REALLY need to recharge this weekend, maybe we can set a time that works for both of us? might be a good script? OK, you want to ASK if hell help you w/ your home maintenance, fine, but these are not HIS chores anymore. Its a lot easier (for me anyway) to answer when I know what Im answering. So in the next day or two, perhaps on some morning when you leave your house and shes there waiting for you, you tell her, firmly but cheerily with giant beaming smiles that the morning walks will be separate from now on because those are for you to have conversation with your children. See how thats all about you, and your kids, and not at all about her? I understand commenters who dont see this question as anything more than polite small talk. Its just a formulaic greeting. Weekend gone! And I hate being rude, also as a woman I am hardcore trained to not ever be rude, so at this point for me sticking to my guns and saying no, I cant do that thing with you (even though this person now knows I technically CAN) is very difficult because it turns into: I dont WANT to do this thing with you, and thats a no-no (around here, I mean). What are you up to this weekend? Are you asking where are you from of every person you meet the first time, or only of those whose appearance/accent makes you suspect they are not from your locality? (this one may not be my wheelhouse anyway, no translation needed. We should hang out sometime soon! Is something I expect people to either reply yeah that would be fun or ignore/tell me theyre swamped but wish they could do as a no. With new acquaintances, well often exchange We should hang out/get a drink/whatever sometime!s multiple times over a period of a few weeks or months before one of us says, Hey, Im going to Event on Friday, do you want to come? Its an intermediary step between I just met you and Lets hang out one-on-one at my request.. Its tiring. Im glad youre no longer friends with that jerk. Today I feel blessed and happy for no reason. In the UK, most encounters respond with fine/good/grand, how are you?, In formal encounters, respond with how are you?. In general, most people will expect a response like this when they . 3. Lets get together. But you have never issued a direct invitation to me in your life. Soft invites in my friend circle are more just a mutually understood shorthand for I value your friendship so Im going to express a genuine desire to hang out even were both depressed and introverted and therefore the likelihood of this actually happening is pretty low.. It took a long time to figure out that I could just cheerfully respond, Why do you ask? In a friendly middle-class-lady voice, (almost as if I hope they are going to tell me something wonderful!). And with some people it is pretty transparently a question with the subtext of let me mooch off of your free time and/or the things you do in your free time are stupid and wrong. Because everybodys got something. On a walk with my dinosaur. I used to preemptively dodge any potential would you like to / can you do X follow-ups by making vague allusions to being busy upfront (PASSIVE), and then Id weakly paw away their insisting that I can/should be able to do it because THEY think I have the time to. I never thought about the fact that some people might be actually trying to relieve the pressure! What I usually say is, Not bad, not bad, how bout yourself?. Situation #4: You have to say "no.". That doesnt make it okay. You would think, right? YES, THIS. As a little anecdote my ex-husband and I had just started attending a new ward in his church when a guy our age wed chatted with a few times asked us what we were doing on Halloween. Whereas it might feel more awkward/imposing for her, and less for me, to just ask outright, Do you want to go to [event] on [this day]?. Im also annoyed by these questions! Thank you. I might hang out with some friends on Sunday. What is your favourite clip? Anyway, the grad students said one woman asked, How do you think she got like that? and others nodded with pursed lips, agreeing that there was something wrong there. A party people pop quiz so to speak. I guess turning down invites is probably just a point of stress for me though, because people have historically gotten annoyed at me for being busy and turning down their invites, when its just like Please find out if Im actually available first so you dont take it personally that I cant hang this weekend?. you said you had no plans! you into babysitting or helping them with yardwork, they just want to ask you a fun, low-stakes question. If someone asked why I was asking such a nosy question, I would apology-barf all over them, then call my wife, my mother, and my best friend and ask them what I was supposed to do instead. Im much better at saying no now, and I realize that in most situations saying no is a perfectly socially acceptable answer. Now the only person allowed to see my personal calendar is my husband, who is completely uninterested. Thanks to this blog, mostly , Yeah, I also dont entirely understand how the question could be meant to make it easier to decline an invitation. What are you up to on Saturday? has often been my go-to when dealing with someone (like my sister) that I *know* will feel pressured to accept whatever Im suggesting whether or not she wants to or has the time/energy for it. DP: As you know, [ note, I do not know ] I need someone to [ renew my library book | paint my bathroom | walk my parakeet | clean my cat litter ] and I hoped you might help. Is that the best you've got. To those who suggested building better boundaries with my family: Good advice. Culture or not, Im very sympathetic to people who have a hard time saying no, since that used to be me. As such, I like to preface it with taking care of some stuff. But if her idea is super cool or needs to be done on a certain date, Ill absolutely shelve my TV watching for another night! May suggest reversing the order of operations? Him: What are your plans for the weekend? They dont ask if you want to do the thing and then you are able to tell them (and if you were busy, youd probably mention that when declining). So setting a rent that I would for any other adult is simply not applicable. I also ignore We should hang out soon! It doesnt replace actually reaching out to me and trying to set up plans. If its as specific as Thursday, thats true, but I find when its a larger stretch like the weekend or the holidays its just as likely to be an attempt to get to know you and learn about your hobbies, interests, routine, etc, and find out if you have anything in common/have a life they find interesting/etc. This is about the blandest, most banal small talk question I can think of.). Re #1, true that. Ugh. For people I know, the answer is closer to what you say is the norm in Sweden anything from Having a truly awesome day to Need more coffee to counteract the baby waking up an hour before the alarm. For close friends, I can and have answered with details about what the brain weasels are up to today. I dont feeling hes hitting on me exactly, though I am not answering in a way he likes/expects (am I supposed to be chatty bc Im young-ish and female? Nobody seems to be doing well by this arrangement. Nothing much. No, just running some errands. Is it a throwaway social nicety, or a veiled attempt to get you to accept a task or invite? I was surprised what a relief it was to move to a completely different part of the country where I at least have the option of blending in. Doesnt work with friends / family obviously, but I have to consult my husband every single time when it comes to sales pitches / offers in retail / invitations from strangers etc. We teach children that they must answer questions put to them by adults, that they have no choice in the matter. Well see you at other times but this ones for us.. Same as being busy all the time rather than saying, No, I dont want to hang out. Its the more broad-scope? W- Work free. Amazing what showering can do for you. The first time I posted a little comment showed up saying that my comment was pending mod review since it was my first comment but I dont see one of those now. So the reframing may help. People use it for all sorts of reasons. It is trickery and so frustrating. I am fond of: Oh, you know how it is. And I think for online dating purposes Im going to assume #2 unless I get significant evidence otherwise. ME: Hi [Friend], Id like to plan a karaoke night with you, are you free [date] or [date]? I probably picked it up from my mom, who does the same thing. Now, when someone asks, I reply, Im not sure what Ill be in the mood for. If someone responds with an offer of plans, I can then say, Nice! Im pretty thoughtful about when I feel Im entitled to expect her participation, and when Im not. I wanted to stayyou can make why do you ask? be a friendly lineand you probably should. After some reflection, my normal version of this (me asking) is You free this weekend? Figuring out how my plans fit together is my problem, not anyone elses. Answer vaguely. Its only a trap when the same people use it repeatedly to rope you in to doing something you would otherwise be able to avoid gracefully. Because this is very much a dumb conversation filler question and its not going to go away anytime soon. I am sure this is going to get attacked for scaremongering and concern-trolling, but I mean, yeah. Or (Like just because I have no plans, I must do the Thing she wants to do. So I got in the habit of saying, I have no plans and thats just the way I like it. Just standing here waiting for stupid questions I guess. It is perfectly ok to want some calm alone time or time with a cat watching Winter Olympics (that is actually great, our cats especially seem to love skiing) and no-one else really needs to know. I used to get really annoyed with this question from my sister, specifically, for the reasons LW gives. in a family meeting you decide that father empties the dishwasher, daughter cooks on weekdays, mother cooks on weekends or whatever) which also lets her develope that skills. If people volunteer that theyre from somewhere far away whether they have a recognizable accent or not I might ask what made them choose this tiny place to move to. Her example story of failing to ride herd on rude white people sufficiently involved being at some luncheon or other with a couple of her grad students from India. This particular response though, is one of my favorite comments ever. Its just in the past year or so that its cropped up repeatedly, with different people at different establishments. How it came to need an actual (although formulaic) response, Im not sure. And Im sorry for that. I also used to use it a lot until a friend pointed out this problematic history, so paying her work forward. I went to a lot of meetings I did not want to go because of this, cause I pretty much was cornered into it after admitting I have not set plans.. But I like to think that Im better at saying no now, even though people do sometimes react badly. But in the age of smart phones I also find Im going to have to check my email before I say yes to that, so let me get back to you helpful. Is this just aimless small-talk? , I am in a cat trance. Not everyone in my life always has. If she has problems with overbearing family, then she needs to learn how to deal with overbearing family, but shes still gonna have to function at People Interactions 101, which includes whatre you doing this weekend., Its actually amazing how much supposedly required stuff you can avoid doing by just not doing it (sadly depending on your level of privilege; Im speaking from a white cis-woman perspective). Overwhelming majority of the time, someone who says why do you ask? wants to know why do you ask. If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted.. Amusing to think of borrowing a line from upthread: Well, it sounds like youre inviting me to something interesting! They also influence how OFTEN. Those things influence what I ask of my kid, and they influence how I ask it. men. Im from here. If you have people in your life who you trust not to get offended at this exchange, definitely give this method a try. Why do I feel entitled to her assistance with something I am doing for her grandmother & grandfather while she sits in her room and plays Minecraft? And suddenly many things became clear. They specifically mentioned 4 contexts where the asker then does go on to invite them to do something or asks for a favor. what are you doing?. Yeah, I do the same. And we do know that extreme surveillance is a very brutal and destructive form of torture. 4. I really enjoyed my years living in the American South, but I realized the day would never come when I wouldnt be seen as an outsider. Sometimes, it's good to be a little silly and fun! Why do you ask? is my go-to response as well. (Id definitely use this for the likely-to-request-babysitting sister, for the recordany time youre asking someone a favor, you lead with that, you dont try to trap them into it!). If youd rather not, I would love to immediately pretend this never happened and talk about dinosaurs for the next ten minutes, and then never bring it up again. But it needs to be a set rent, that can be codified and set down in a form you could use with any other adult, should the fancy take you. My MIL does thatshe asks DH if we can come to dinner, and he says, Ill have to ask Toots. Then she calls me and asks me, and I say, I have to ask DH. Really early on, she did this, and then laughed at my answer and said, I asked him, and he said he had to ask you. Im okay not giving you your exact expected or hoped for answer. Which I learned is a great policy to do with favor sharks. My small college town has become a lot more cosmopolitan over my lifetime, and weve got enough of an international population now that Im deeply curious about many of the customers at the store where I work. to invent some activity or decide how much to share), and 3.allowing you to then respond either positively or negatively to whatever suggestion comes next. Call me. Does *your* phone not work? Follow. Its all the other situations I listed that bother me the ones where I dont always know the purpose of the question / true intent of the asker, or I suspect its to get me to do something. Early on in dating the boything, he would ask what I was doing that night in a way that made me think it was small talkso Id say oh, Im working on [project] probably, or I might just have an early night. And then he would assume I wasnt free, whereas if he would have said hey do you want to have dinner? I would have been on board.

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